


No Longer Alone At All

by anastasiatremaine



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Bisexual Jimmy, Declarations Of Love, First Time, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 09:26:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11205135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anastasiatremaine/pseuds/anastasiatremaine
Summary: I couldn't find the Jimmy-realises-he's-in-love-with-Thomas-and-tells-him-and-Thomas-is-completely-incredulous-because-he'd-never-imagine-such-a-thing-blabla love-blabla fanfic I wanted, so I decided to write it myself. Like honestly, this is just pure wish fulfillment of what I think Thomas deserves. It's not super explicit because it's more about ~love~, but I'm rating it M just in case bec the language is pretty, uh, unambiguous. One shot. Complete.





	No Longer Alone At All

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing M/M fic, and I'm not 100% good at writing love scenes in general, so my apologies if it's not as explicit if you like but I'm really just focusing on the feelings here. There's not really a specific time period I think this fic falls into, I imagine it being like, 9 months or so after The Kiss Incident, I'm not really focusing on specific canon or events in canon because it's been a long time since I've rewatched the series, but I just rewatched 3x07 for kicks and I just... needed to write this. And this was really a new form of writing for me, I literally just kind of wrote in this haphazard, emotional, stream-of-consciousness kind of way, so if the language is confusing or contradictory, that might be why. Feel free to leave a comment if there's a typo or a really glaring error or confusing sentence. :)

Thomas was standing in his doorway, facing Jimmy, who was likewise standing in his doorway across the hall. The quarters were deserted; everyone else was still at dinner, the low sounds of their company creeping up the stairway. Thomas and Jimmy were alone.

No words were spoken. They only stared at each other. Jimmy couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. He was trapped in Thomas’ blue-gray gaze. There was something welling up inside Jimmy’s chest. He couldn’t name it, but it was the same color as Thomas’ eyes. It was enveloping him, it was drowning him.

Jimmy allowed his gaze to drift for a moment- Thomas’ hands, his hair, his chest, his jaw, he was like a marble statue, his elegant profile was mesmerizing, had he really never seen it before? The beauty? He gave a shake of the head and forced himself to stare back at Thomas’ eyes. Jimmy didn’t know what to say with his words and was hoping his gaze would do it for him, but he didn’t have high hopes. His own mind was so scattered, there was nothing to convey besides the boiling ambiguity raging inside him.

Thomas knew he had held the stare too long. Had he glanced at Jimmy, and it had simply stretched on too long, and Jimmy was too polite to turn away? Or had Jimmy started it? He couldn’t remember. They were across the hall from each other but Thomas felt like they were only a hair’s breadth apart. He wanted so badly to close the distance, but he didn’t, he couldn’t. He had allowed those feelings to erupt once before, to disaster’s end. The half-formed fantasies and wishful thoughts had been built up only to crumble to dust and ash at his feet. And he respected Jimmy too much to do that to him again when he’d made it clear he didn’t want it. But still. He couldn’t look away. Not while Jimmy held his gaze, and holding it, he was (he wasn’t sure what he was seeing there; some kind of muted affection perhaps, and confusion?).

Jimmy didn’t know why he was still standing there, why he was still looking. But he still couldn’t move. The conversation those months ago- _“I can’t give you what you want-“, “I know-“_ \-  seemed so far away. But he could feel that something was falling into place, like a clock you’ve finally tuned to the minute, at last ticking on time and running nicely, those cranks and flaws in the machinery smoothed out and oiled. Something was happening. The months of looks and friendly touches, of easy laughter, of Thomas’ obvious strong passion always locked away just under the surface, of Jimmy’s obliviousness, it was coming to the forefront. Jimmy knew now. He knew when he said he couldn’t give Thomas what he wanted, when Jimmy convulsed in disgust and anger at Thomas’ advance, when he had allowed O’Brien to manipulate him into almost ruining Thomas- it was all wrong, none of it had happened for the reasons Jimmy had thought they had happened. He didn’t know if he was completely like Thomas, but he was like him enough to know, and Jimmy knew, he knew now.

He opened his mouth, he had to speak. He had to say something. He could see the utter ocean of feeling in Thomas’ face, more than that, he could feel it within him, and he had to respond. He didn’t know what the words would be until he said them, but he opened his mouth to try.

Thomas knew better than to allow this gaze, this- whatever it was, to continue. It took strength, but strength Thomas had by the measure, and he wrenched his eyes away. After all, it had taken strength, hadn’t it, to be close with Jimmy but still so far? To be around him, to save him from danger, to help him from trouble, to confide, to share, to-

-and still know that it would come to nothing? Well, not nothing, but not enough. It wasn’t enough, Thomas thought it might be, but it wasn’t.  Not with this. If it had been a passing infatuation, a mild attraction, of course, it would have passed. But this was… this was love. He was in love with Jimmy. He had been since he had met him. It wasn’t a small dalliance, it wasn’t a fleeting fancy. It was love. And it was a love he knew would never be returned. Jimmy had been kind, and understanding, and he had given Thomas what he could, but he couldn’t give him what he needed.

The gaze between them was so powerful, Thomas felt like his knees would give out. But he knew there was nothing in Jimmy’s eyes that Thomas wanted to see. He was compassionate, he was patient, but there was no love there, no passion. Thomas was staring into an abyss of his own pathetic hopes that would never come true, and he had already made Jimmy feel uncomfortable for long enough. He could tell, by Jimmy’s tensed shoulders and curled fists. It was a wonder Jimmy didn’t awkwardly shuffle away and make an apology. Thomas would have to do it for him. He had promised him he wouldn’t ask for more than Jimmy could give, and mooning at him like a child was uncalled for. He wasn’t sure why tonight of all nights, Thomas’ feelings seemed harder than usual to reign in. Lord knows he had had enough practice doing it. He supposed that all the months of easy companionship and accidental brushings of fingers had gone to his head. He was seeing ghosts again. No. It was time to put this to bed, at least for tonight.

Before he could get a word out, Thomas had turned away. And with him, Jimmy felt the swell of emotion in him fade away as well, like a candle’s last choking puff when you’ve snuffed it out. Eventually, he closed his mouth, and he felt his shoulders relax. He couldn’t let this go on. He had to go to him. He had had an epiphany, standing here, seeing the love and want, and affection, well up in Thomas’ eyes. He knew it was there, it had been there all along. It had never been a secret. And Thomas had been the closest friend Jimmy had ever had, it was true, and he wanted to help Thomas from pain if he could, but going to Thomas wasn’t some altruistic gesture or imagined fantasy.  The intense gaze shared between them in the hallway coupled with the flashes of memory and the slow but steady building of Jimmy’s own affections over the past weeks and months had led to this realization- Jimmy was falling in love with Thomas back. He didn’t know when it had started but he was in the middle of it now. And he couldn’t be without him.

He had seen the self-pity rise in Thomas’ eyes, just before he had left. He was probably just there, just behind the door, forehead to the painted wood, telling himself it was hopeless, telling himself Jimmy would never and could never love him back. He had said as much to him himself, in less certain words. To think Thomas was in pain was like a knife in his chest.

Jimmy took half a step towards Thomas’ room when the other servant boys started coming up the stairs. Jimmy swore to himself, cursing the bad timing. The man he loved was behind that door, hating himself, and Jimmy could do nothing about it. Even now they were swirling about, making their way to their rooms.

“Alright, Jimmy?” Alfred asked casually, stepping past him into their room.

“Just dandy,” Jimmy muttered, staring at Thomas’ door hard enough to burn a hole, if there was such magic, but there wasn’t, and a person had to make their own magic in this world.

\---

He lay there, in the dark, waiting. He didn’t know what he was waiting for, but he had to be sure they were all asleep. He would not cause a scandal and risk Thomas’ position again.

He could feel him, across the hall. He could sense him the way you sense the coming sunrise when you’ve awoken by accident too early. The sky is still dark, there are no birds singing, there are no signs that would point to a coming dawn. But you can feel it in the air, and you know it’s there. That was how Jimmy felt Thomas. He knew he was still awake as well, because there was a link between them, as bright and burning as the sun.

Thomas stared at the ceiling, unmoving. The tears had long since dried on his cheeks, but he knew his face was etched in misery still. He turned over on his side, wiping his eyes of the last remaining moisture, hating himself for crying. For allowing himself to even feel enough for tears to happen.

“Stupid, stupid boy,” he berated himself.

He was too cold. He pulled the blanket tighter around him. No, now he was too hot, and he flung it off. He couldn’t get comfortable. He felt all wrong, he felt like he was full of needles, or the bed was.

He sat up and swung his legs over, put his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. There was something in Jimmy’s eyes tonight, something that was tormenting him. It almost seemed like-

No. No. He couldn’t go down this path again. He had been down this path before, he knew it by heart. He knew where it led. There was no soothing in false hope. False hope only hurt, and he was tired of hurting.

He stood up, and lit one of his candles. He didn’t want to be in darkness. He went to the window, where a little alcove seat was. And he sat there, staring into the dark grounds and sky, hoping that watching the moon’s progress across the sky might calm him.

Across the hall, Jimmy sat up. At once he knew he had done so too quickly, as the screaming springs in his bed attested.

“Wass ‘appen?” he heard Alfred’s bleary voice float into the dim.

“I need a smoke, can’t sleep, you got one?” Jimmy said, inventing on the spot, bending down pretending to look in his trouser pockets.

“Nah… try Barrow…?” Alfred answered, already back to sleep.

Alfred suggesting he ask Thomas was like a blessing, like a signpost. _Go to him._

Jimmy opened the door, quietly. He examined the hallway, quietly. There were no signs of life. He crossed the hall, quietly. He could see a faint orange glimmer at the door’s bottom, and smiled into the darkness. He knew he’d be awake.

He didn’t knock. He just opened the door and stepped inside, and closed it behind him. Quietly. No one would disturb them tonight if he could help it.

Thomas was framed in the window, the moon’s silvery glow outlining his silhouette. He looked like a Renaissance prince from a fairy tale. His dark hair, usually so smooth and in place, was tousled and uneven, as if he too had spent hours in fitful unrest. He was wearing his nightclothes, much the same as the night he had kissed Jimmy. So far away, and here they were again.

“Jimmy.”

“Thomas.”

Jimmy swallowed. “I had to see you.”

Silence.

“I have to tell you something.”

Thomas closed his eyes. “Jimmy, I know what you’re going to say-“

“I really, really doubt that,” Jimmy answered, a laugh in his voice.

“Please, Jimmy, let me-“

“Thomas, you don’t-“

“I’m sorry, alright?” Thomas said. Jimmy said nothing. It broke his heart to see Thomas berate himself, to think Jimmy still felt nothing for him, but he knew if he didn’t let him say his peace he wouldn’t listen. “I’m sorry, Jimmy, I know I- I stare too long, and I make you uncomfortable, and I’m- I’m trying my best, maybe when I said friendship would be enough I was wrong, and I don’t ever,” he paused here, a sardonic chuckle working its way into the words, “ever, expect anything from you-“

At this, Jimmy had to speak. “Thomas.”

“Please, just- there’s nothing you could say I haven’t already told myself a thousand times-“

“I love you.”

There was a beat. Two beats. Three. Four.

“I love you,” Jimmy said it again. It felt like falling asleep when you’re exhausted, it felt like cold water on a hot day, it felt like home.

“What?” Thomas’ mind was utterly blank. There was no scenario or memory to draw on to try and find a response to this. This was the last thing he had ever expected anyone, let alone Jimmy, to say.

“I don’t know when, or how, and I’ve never felt this before, but I feel it now, and I’m sorry it took me so long to figure it out, and I’m sorry that I let you think-“

“Jimmy.”

Jimmy fell silent.

“Are you making fun of me?” It was the only thing Thomas could think of.

“ _What?_ ” Jimmy burst out. “No! Of course not-“

“Are you- are you trying to make me feel better, are you just humoring me, because this is not something to play around with, Jimmy-“

Before he knew what he was doing, Jimmy had crossed the room. He took Thomas’ face in both hands, and he lowered his lips to his. He kissed Thomas with every ounce of passion and affection in his body, he kissed Thomas like the world was falling around them, and it might have been, for all the notice Jimmy could spare at the moment for anything that wasn’t him.

He heard Thomas let out a little sound. He felt Thomas’ arms snake around his body, one of his hands curling in Jimmy’s hair. Their lips melded, their tongues sliding against each other; there was no awkwardness, no fumbling, it was as if it they had done it a thousand times.

After a measure of time neither could have told, they broke apart. Thomas’ eyes were glistening in the light, a tear silently beginning to fall as he stared up at him. Jimmy reached a thumb up and brushed it away.

“You’re so beautiful,” Jimmy murmured.

Thomas stood up, and now Jimmy was looking up at him. Thomas stared at him, a question in his eyes. Jimmy licked his lips, swallowed, and nodded, meeting his gaze. Thomas was asking, _Do you want this?_ and Jimmy was answering, _I've never wanted anything more._ Thomas slowly maneuvered, and Jimmy with him, until Jimmy’s back was against the wall. And Thomas kissed him again, hungrily, like a starving man who’s been given food, and Jimmy let himself be devoured.

\---

Afterward, they lay entangled.

Thomas couldn’t stop looking at him. It was everything he had ever dreamed, and here it was in his arms. Jimmy’s eyes were subtly reflecting the candlelight, and as the shadows flickered across the exquisite panes of his face, Thomas took a moment to thank whatever deity or presence that might be listening for bringing them together at last.

Jimmy had never felt more content. All the confusion and wordlessness had faded away in the passion, in the meeting of bodies. It was right. It was the only thing that had ever felt right. He closed his eyes to the feeling of Thomas’ hand slowly stroking the skin of his back.

His body ached, but it was a strangely pleasant ache, the kind of pain that lingers after a growth pain in the night. A changing, a growing, something that was meant to happen, something that was being left behind in favor of something better.

It was still dark out, pitch dark. But there was that feeling again, of the sunrise just starting. Jimmy knew he had to leave soon.

Thomas couldn’t stop replaying the night’s events in his mind, in no order, disjointed, like a picture in a theater. The sound Jimmy made as he came. How Thomas’ heart had swelled as Jimmy walked to him across the room and kissed him. How their hands had touched, briefly, while serving dinner upstairs. The look in Jimmy’s eyes in the hallway which Thomas had thought was only kind patience. The sound of him saying, “I love you.” Feeling the tears fall down his cheeks and ears as he lay on his back in the dark. The feeling of Jimmy’s mouth on his hipbone.

“Jimmy… what… happened? What made you…” Thomas’ voice trailed off.

Jimmy swallowed. “I don’t know, by rights.” He considered a moment. “If I’m being honest, I think it started the night of the kiss.”

“Really?” Thomas was incredulous. “But you were so angry- I could tell immediately I had made a mistake.“

“I think… it was something that started _because_ of the kiss,” Jimmy continued, haltingly. “I don’t know if it was there before. Or maybe it started to grow during our… uneasy friendship. Like I say, I can’t tell what happened or when. I only realized it myself this night.” He quirked his neck so he could see Thomas’ eyes. “And I knew I couldn’t face tomorrow without telling you. I don’t know how you managed all those months, having that kind of love in your heart and not being able to act on it.”

Thomas felt his heart leap, hearing Jimmy say “love”. He didn’t think it would ever be something he tired of hearing. “I’ve had a lot of practice,” Thomas eventually offered softly. “When you’re like me… from childhood… it’s not easy.”

“I never had these feelings before now,” Jimmy answered. He knew he could never relate to Thomas’ life and childhood in that way.  “I know that I like women. Maybe I’m not like you, Thomas, not all the way. Maybe you’re the only man I’ll ever love, the only man I could ever love. I don’t know how these things work.”

Thomas shook his head. “That doesn’t matter. We’re here now.”

He propped himself on one arm and stared at Thomas. The moon’s light was bathing his already pale face in silver, and the sight was stunning.

“I do know that I love you.” Thomas’ eyebrows rose and his mouth opened slightly, his eyes wide and earnest, drinking in the statement. He leaned in and kissed Thomas’ forehead.  “And I want you.” Another kiss landed on his cheekbone. “And I need you.” He finally arrived at his lips. As they embraced again, Jimmy knew that now he had this he would never let it go. He knew they had to be discreet, and no, they couldn’t live their lives openly like the Bates’, but there was something real here, and precious.

\---

When Jimmy finally re-entered his room some hours later, the sky was blissfully still dark, perhaps lightening a shade or two to the darkest gray.

Alfred snorted inquisitively as Jimmy laid down. Damn him, the light sleeper.

“Wossit?”

“It’s only been ten minutes you duffer, go back to sleep.” Jimmy whispered, praying the half-unconscious Albert would believe him.

A snore answered him.

As sleep finally claimed his exhausted body and mind, a smile was on his lips.

Across the hall, Thomas was still replaying the encounter in his mind, and the recollections turned to dreams as he too fell asleep.

While the two men were indeed alone, in this moment, in body, they each knew they were loved, and in that way, were no longer alone at all.

**Author's Note:**

> I HOPE Y'ALL LIKED IT!!!! I LOVE Thomas Barrow and he deserved love so much........ also I hope y'all picked up on my not-so-subtle "Jimmy is the sun, Thomas is the moon" metaphor??? I'd apologize for all the swelling hearts, and the welling up of eyes and emotions but I'm not really sorry- I'm a sap, I want sappy love mush, that's what I create. Anyways, rate and review pls thanks


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